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THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE


Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.


Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when NOT led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars -- when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flower pots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War Against Greenpeace - Lost. 1985, the Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior  prepares to sail for Moruroa Atoll for a major campaign against French nuclear testing. Agents of the DGSE [secret service] bomb and sink the ship in Auckland Harbor. 1 tree-hugger sans tree drowns. Six weeks later agents Prieur and Mafart  plead guilty to charges of manslaughter and willful damage. They get sentences of 10 years and 7 years.  French Prime Minister Fabius admits to state terrorism on TV.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador but fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The Internet - France surrenders to netizens of InvadeFrance.US. Netizens drink French wine and eat frog legs in celebration.



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We don't speak French, so if Froggy's got a bone to pick, write in English.

Thank you to benemptor.com for the bandwidth.
Why invade France?


They've got it coming
More than just a defense for murder in South Carolina, it is true, France has it coming.

Let's get our money back
During World War II the U.S. Spent $288 Billion on kicking the crap out of Nazi Germany. Apparently France didn't and never will appreciate this.
Therefore, we propose their paying us back (See chart below for payment schedule).

U.S. Cost of WWII: $288,000,000,000
--Adjusted for Inflation: $2,091,000,000,000
Current French Population: 60,180,529
Amount Each Frenchman Needs to Pay: $34,745.46
Average French Salary/Year: $19,208
Number of Years Each Frenchmen Gets to Work as America's Bitch: 1.8


They're a little too buddy-buddy with the bad guys
The War on Terror has France objecting? We know, heaven forbid we blow up some folks who were going to blow themselves up anyway.

We know the fellow to the left certainly looks like a "take-no-prisoners" all-action sort of guy, but really we hear he's quite the softy, no fooling!

With people like him "leading" their country, they're going to surrender to Al-Qaeda if we don't get there soon...



Post-Surrender Paris Apparently Makes a Great Kodak Moment
What you can't see in this photo is the millions of French-men who rose up to drive Hitler out of the country. The funny thing is that you can't see them in any photo from the time... (Caution: Rhetorical question ahead...) Wonder why we can't see them?
Mad props to the U.S. for destroying that bastard.

American girls still think France is "Romantic"
Try going there ladies, you have been brainwashed by the movies. Paris is dirty and full of prostitutes (Kind of like Vegas), the wine has been whored all over the world so you have nothing good left (Think Napa-Valley), and the men all look perpetually constipated (Sort of like San Francisco, but it may or may not be for the same reason).

Once a colonial power, all of their countries SUCKED
Vietnam. Hey, thanks guys!
Haiti. Oops, that's not working out too well either.
Adelie Land (ANTARTICA). Why the heck did they want that?
Canada. Nice try, but it's no America.

There isn't enough of their stuff to boycott
Who wants to spend time memorizing what brand of lingerie is patriotic for the misses to buy? Besides, the boycott doesn't seem to be affecting the French. But we can think of one statement that they'll hear loud and clear: "Surrender now or face the wrath of an army of drunken prostitutes".

"Freedom Fries" were pretty gay, but so is France
Really. You know this.



How To Invade France?


However you want!
There are more American military bases in Europe than European bases. Why? Because we've had to bail them out of a couple of World Wars so far. See the countries on the map below? We have some sort of presence in all of them. Kick-ass.



Of course, who are we to argue with perfection? We'll stick with what worked in the past, and just come in from Germany. We've got a couple of bases there left over from defeating Hitler (You're welcome, France.) and when we defeated the Soviets (You're welcome, France.).


We'll show the socialists in Spain who's boss by abusing their air space to fly troops in, and heaven forbid we don't let the Irish in on the fun! France has 477 airports... We'll be dammed if we don't use each one!


Of course, we will claim France and all of its natural resources (Read: Funny hats, wine and... well, forget the cheese, grab more wine!). With the area now firmly in control of the U.S., we'll establish a governor (We think it'll be another long lost "Bush-Brother" just to add insult to injury to the Parisians still hanging around) and claim it as the sole "United State of Europe".



How "peesed off" will they be?


Well this guy looks like somebody took a dump in his hat, but hell, the French always look like that. After all, the most famous French art is always about being miserable.

On a positive note, the center section of the French flag is a large white stripe. If they tear off the two edges, it makes a perfect banner to carry when they surrender to whomever.

Really though, they'll quickly get used to the occupying force, they've got enough practice. The only tough thing will be getting them not to surrender to anyone else first (In light of the Madrid bombing and bomb findings, France has raised their terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaboration.").

Oh, and if you're French and reading this, we do accept your surrender.




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